Conscious Conversation
Ed Lisbe
Architects
and contractors work with blueprints. Doctors follow standard
operating procedures. Athletes use scientifically proven principles
for developing strength, speed and stamina. Farmers have a rationale
for where they plant and how they harvest. With all things important
to us, humans are invariably more logical than haphazard.
Except
in conversation.
In
conversation we simply talk. We respond reactively to what the other
person is saying, especially under stress or when a lot is at stake.
Managers, salespeople, husbands and wives simply talk at each other.
We don't tend to use blueprints. When we have something we think
is important to say, we say it. Whether or not we should even be
speaking at all instead of listening rarely shows up on most peoples'
radar screen. We are then surprised by the results we get.
The
Blueprint for Conversation
There
is
a blueprint for conversation. It is a technology almost as precise
and predictable as a computer program, requiring that we ask and
answer only one question at all times throughout any conversation:
"Whose
turn is it to speak or to listen?"
The
answer to that question is always determined by the answer to a
second question, "Who's
got the stronger emotion?" Since
emotions shift between people in conversations, the speaking or
listening turns will also shift.
These
two questions are conversation process
questions. People in conversation tend to pay attention only to the
content
of what is being discussed. Paying attention to both the process and
the content of a conversation is necessary if one wants to be
successful with "people skills." This dual concentration requires
a great deal of consciousness. The on-going consciousness, on both
the process and the content of a conversation at the same time, is
why we call our work "Conscious Conversation."
The
one reason, and the only need for bringing a process consciousness
into conversations is because people are always speaking on each
other's "speaking turn." This is what we do to each other,
especially when we think we are right - as a manager, a
salesperson, a parent, or a teacher. We all want the microphone.
That
is the universal human communication problem.
Being
conscious in conversation is very different from having good
intentions. This work is about results, not intentions, and "people
skills" results will only happen with consciousness. When a
conversation doesn't work, invariably it can be traced to one of
the two people (or more if it is a team communication problem)
speaking inappropriately on the other person's "speaking turn."
This is true whether the conversation is an inherently difficult
one at work such as a Performance Review where both peoples'
emotions are very high, or the conversation is at home between a
parent and child talking about room cleaning or homework.
Good
managers who are weak in "people skills" do not need a variety of
training programs, or a great deal of time to change their habits and
attitudes to bring them up to speed. Understanding the speaking and
listening sides of a conversation will bring them immediate results
with others.
Next: Whose Turn Is It?
Return to Conscious Conversation Main Page
Ed Lisbe
Architects
and contractors work with blueprints. Doctors follow standard
operating procedures. Athletes use scientifically proven principles
for developing strength, speed and stamina. Farmers have a rationale
for where they plant and how they harvest. With all things important
to us, humans are invariably more logical than haphazard.
Except
in conversation.
In
conversation we simply talk. We respond reactively to what the other
person is saying, especially under stress or when a lot is at stake.
Managers, salespeople, husbands and wives simply talk at each other.
We don't tend to use blueprints. When we have something we think
is important to say, we say it. Whether or not we should even be
speaking at all instead of listening rarely shows up on most peoples'
radar screen. We are then surprised by the results we get.
The Blueprint for Conversation
There
is
a blueprint for conversation. It is a technology almost as precise
and predictable as a computer program, requiring that we ask and
answer only one question at all times throughout any conversation:
"Whose
turn is it to speak or to listen?"
The
answer to that question is always determined by the answer to a
second question, "Who's
got the stronger emotion?" Since
emotions shift between people in conversations, the speaking or
listening turns will also shift.
These
two questions are conversation process
questions. People in conversation tend to pay attention only to the
content
of what is being discussed. Paying attention to both the process and
the content of a conversation is necessary if one wants to be
successful with "people skills." This dual concentration requires
a great deal of consciousness. The on-going consciousness, on both
the process and the content of a conversation at the same time, is
why we call our work "Conscious Conversation."
The
one reason, and the only need for bringing a process consciousness
into conversations is because people are always speaking on each
other's "speaking turn." This is what we do to each other,
especially when we think we are right - as a manager, a
salesperson, a parent, or a teacher. We all want the microphone.
That
is the universal human communication problem.
Being
conscious in conversation is very different from having good
intentions. This work is about results, not intentions, and "people
skills" results will only happen with consciousness. When a
conversation doesn't work, invariably it can be traced to one of
the two people (or more if it is a team communication problem)
speaking inappropriately on the other person's "speaking turn."
This is true whether the conversation is an inherently difficult
one at work such as a Performance Review where both peoples'
emotions are very high, or the conversation is at home between a
parent and child talking about room cleaning or homework.
Good
managers who are weak in "people skills" do not need a variety of
training programs, or a great deal of time to change their habits and
attitudes to bring them up to speed. Understanding the speaking and
listening sides of a conversation will bring them immediate results
with others.
Next: Whose Turn Is It?
Return to Conscious Conversation Main Page
