Listening: When the other person has the most emotion
Ed Lisbe
When
the other
person has the most emotion
Doesn't it make
sense to listen, first, rather than to speak when another person is
trying to communicate something to us? What if that person
is convinced of something, wants us to understand something, or is
struggling to figure something out? Why start to speak in response to
something we've only partially heard? The first thing out a
person's mouth is rarely his/her clear, full expression of an
issue. Psychologists tend to call the first words spoken the
"presenting problem," yet that is what most of us react to, never
getting to the speaker's real need.
So,
what is it to "listen?" Most people use the word inappropriately,
to mean agreement ("You know, Bob, Charlene never listens to
anything I tell her...") or obedience ("You listen to me!").
Listening has nothing to do with either of these; it is solely about
understanding.
Except
for the fact that we don't like to listen to things we don't
agree with, listening itself is a relatively simple 3-step internal
process:
1. Taking in the cues: Good listeners do nothing else while listening. They pay close attention to the speaker's visual cues (facial expression, posture, gestures), vocal cues (tone of voice, rate and volume of speech, inflections), and verbal cues (the content, feeling words, important phrases).
2. Sorting those cues: Then, continually during the speaker's turn (not just at the conclusion) the listener subjectively sorts those verbal and non-verbal cues into what seems to be the speaker's one core issue at each point in the turn. It could be the speaker's main intention, the overall spirit of the communication, an implication, or a meaning behind the words that is not being expressed. The listener's goal is to keep searching for the speaker's core thoughts and feelings, as if trying to hit a bulls eye on a target that keeps moving:
3. Reaching a conclusion: Throughout the speaker's turn, the listener keeps making guesses as to what he/she thinks, feels, or intuits the speaker is communicating. Example (internal conclusion): " I think Susan seems most upset not by what her boss says to her, but how he says it and the fact that he says it in public during the staff meetings."
If
listening is just these 3 simple steps, why don't more people do
it? Why are there so many arguments? Why are there so few good
listeners?
The
problem with listening is not what it is, but what it isn't:
As
a concept,
listening is relatively easy. As a process
put into practice with others, it is very difficult. Instead of
listening, almost everyone reacts as a speaker
to the speaker. We react from our own perspective when other people
speak, not from their perspective. When we hear something come out of
someone else's mouth, most of us inevitably respond with one or
more of these 14 speaking responses, none of which are listening:
Listening is not
1. My agreement or disagreement
2. My criticism or blame
3. My praise
4. My psychological diagnosis
5. My ordering
6. My threatening
7. My questions
8. My advice
9. My moralizations
10. My problem solving
11. My reassurance
12. My similar experience
13. My logic (e.g., facts, reasons, explanations)
14. My sympathy: "I understand" "I know how you feel "I'm sorry"
It is a very rare person who listens when another person speaks, who is
able to demonstrate understanding as a first
reaction to the speaker's communication. Invariably, as soon as
someone begins to speak we agree, we disagree, we reassure and give
advice, we tell our own related experience, and we ask questions to
get more information. That's just what humans do. It's a reflex
action for us, as automatic as breathing. It's a habit. When
someone talks, we react.
It
isn't easy to break any lifelong habit. This one is particularly
difficult to break because it involves something we've been doing
all the time, every day, all day long, with everyone. We are
constantly communicating in conversation. We've all built very
strong non-listening, reactive muscles.
This
is also a difficult habit to break because there are so few role
models around for us to copy. Most likely, our parents haven't
been good listeners to us or to others. Our teachers probably weren't
good listeners. Most bosses aren't good listeners. Our friends or
neighbors? Doubtful. Our elected political representatives? Who
listens without using those 14 reactions too early in the
conversation?
We
even think we are
listening when we agree, or reassure, or give our own related
experience, or problem-solve. If we're not expressing these 14
thoughts out loud, we're doing them under our breath.
Keeping a "You
______ " Focus:
To
keep our focus on the speaker, where it belongs, it is usually
helpful when we are listening to check, out loud, our internal
understanding of the speaker's communication instead of saying
nothing, nodding our head, or assuming our conclusion is correct. It
is easiest to do this by feeding back the conclusions we reach (step
3 of the listening process) with a "You ____"
focus. This keeps the perspective on the speaker's frame of
reference, not on our own. The 14 non-listening reactions have an
"I," "Me," or "My" focus: "The same thing happened to
me."
"I don't
agree." "My
advice would be to ____."
Listening
needs to have a "You
____ " focus. That
feedback to the speaker might look like this:
-
"You're
really disappointed by what happened with Bob at the meeting."
-
"Overall, it seems as if you'd
rather not take that chance."
-
"You're
pretty much convinced it's our only option."
-
"It's like you're
juggling two balls and they're both about to drop."
When
there is 'red' in a conversation, this "You
____ "
feedback allows speakers to develop their thoughts without
interference. The listener continues to provide "You
___"
feedback over time in a conversation, without putting in any of the
14 reactions. This helps speakers eventually get to a clear statement
of their underlying issue. This could take 2 minutes, 20 minutes, or
2 hours.
This
is a brief primer on the "how to" of listening. For the spirit
of
listening, see Euland article in "Links" section.
Choosing
Not
To Listen:
There are many times in conversation where we aren't going to want
to listen, where we have no interest in listening to the speaking of
another. Who wants to listen to someone who rambles, who seems to
enjoy hearing him/herself talk without purpose or intention? What if
we don't like a speaker, or aren't interested in the content
being addressed? What if we might want
to listen, but have no time, or are distracted by other priorities,
or are too tired or too hungry in the moment? These issues will be
addressed in other papers. The primary choice is to be conscious in
conversation, not necessarily to listen whenever another person
starts to speak. That consciousness will keep us off automatic, and
help us to choose whether or not we want to listen.
Next: Speaking
Go back to Two Basic People Skills
See also Conscious Conversation
Ed Lisbe
When the other person has the most emotion
Doesn't it make
sense to listen, first, rather than to speak when another person is
trying to communicate something to us? What if that person
is convinced of something, wants us to understand something, or is
struggling to figure something out? Why start to speak in response to
something we've only partially heard? The first thing out a
person's mouth is rarely his/her clear, full expression of an
issue. Psychologists tend to call the first words spoken the
"presenting problem," yet that is what most of us react to, never
getting to the speaker's real need.
So,
what is it to "listen?" Most people use the word inappropriately,
to mean agreement ("You know, Bob, Charlene never listens to
anything I tell her...") or obedience ("You listen to me!").
Listening has nothing to do with either of these; it is solely about
understanding.
Except
for the fact that we don't like to listen to things we don't
agree with, listening itself is a relatively simple 3-step internal
process:
1. Taking in the cues: Good listeners do nothing else while listening. They pay close attention to the speaker's visual cues (facial expression, posture, gestures), vocal cues (tone of voice, rate and volume of speech, inflections), and verbal cues (the content, feeling words, important phrases).
2. Sorting those cues: Then, continually during the speaker's turn (not just at the conclusion) the listener subjectively sorts those verbal and non-verbal cues into what seems to be the speaker's one core issue at each point in the turn. It could be the speaker's main intention, the overall spirit of the communication, an implication, or a meaning behind the words that is not being expressed. The listener's goal is to keep searching for the speaker's core thoughts and feelings, as if trying to hit a bulls eye on a target that keeps moving:
3. Reaching a conclusion: Throughout the speaker's turn, the listener keeps making guesses as to what he/she thinks, feels, or intuits the speaker is communicating. Example (internal conclusion): " I think Susan seems most upset not by what her boss says to her, but how he says it and the fact that he says it in public during the staff meetings."
If
listening is just these 3 simple steps, why don't more people do
it? Why are there so many arguments? Why are there so few good
listeners?
The
problem with listening is not what it is, but what it isn't:
As
a concept,
listening is relatively easy. As a process
put into practice with others, it is very difficult. Instead of
listening, almost everyone reacts as a speaker
to the speaker. We react from our own perspective when other people
speak, not from their perspective. When we hear something come out of
someone else's mouth, most of us inevitably respond with one or
more of these 14 speaking responses, none of which are listening:
Listening is not
1. My agreement or disagreement
2. My criticism or blame
3. My praise
4. My psychological diagnosis
5. My ordering
6. My threatening
7. My questions
8. My advice
9. My moralizations
10. My problem solving
11. My reassurance
12. My similar experience
13. My logic (e.g., facts, reasons, explanations)
14. My sympathy: "I understand" "I know how you feel "I'm sorry"
It is a very rare person who listens when another person speaks, who is
able to demonstrate understanding as a first
reaction to the speaker's communication. Invariably, as soon as
someone begins to speak we agree, we disagree, we reassure and give
advice, we tell our own related experience, and we ask questions to
get more information. That's just what humans do. It's a reflex
action for us, as automatic as breathing. It's a habit. When
someone talks, we react.
It
isn't easy to break any lifelong habit. This one is particularly
difficult to break because it involves something we've been doing
all the time, every day, all day long, with everyone. We are
constantly communicating in conversation. We've all built very
strong non-listening, reactive muscles.
This
is also a difficult habit to break because there are so few role
models around for us to copy. Most likely, our parents haven't
been good listeners to us or to others. Our teachers probably weren't
good listeners. Most bosses aren't good listeners. Our friends or
neighbors? Doubtful. Our elected political representatives? Who
listens without using those 14 reactions too early in the
conversation?
We
even think we are
listening when we agree, or reassure, or give our own related
experience, or problem-solve. If we're not expressing these 14
thoughts out loud, we're doing them under our breath.
Keeping a "You
______ " Focus:
To
keep our focus on the speaker, where it belongs, it is usually
helpful when we are listening to check, out loud, our internal
understanding of the speaker's communication instead of saying
nothing, nodding our head, or assuming our conclusion is correct. It
is easiest to do this by feeding back the conclusions we reach (step
3 of the listening process) with a "You ____"
focus. This keeps the perspective on the speaker's frame of
reference, not on our own. The 14 non-listening reactions have an
"I," "Me," or "My" focus: "The same thing happened to
me."
"I don't
agree." "My
advice would be to ____."
Listening
needs to have a "You
____ " focus. That
feedback to the speaker might look like this:
- "You're really disappointed by what happened with Bob at the meeting."
- "Overall, it seems as if you'd rather not take that chance."
- "You're pretty much convinced it's our only option."
- "It's like you're juggling two balls and they're both about to drop."
When
there is 'red' in a conversation, this "You
____ "
feedback allows speakers to develop their thoughts without
interference. The listener continues to provide "You
___"
feedback over time in a conversation, without putting in any of the
14 reactions. This helps speakers eventually get to a clear statement
of their underlying issue. This could take 2 minutes, 20 minutes, or
2 hours.
This
is a brief primer on the "how to" of listening. For the spirit
of
listening, see Euland article in "Links" section.
Choosing
Not
To Listen:
There are many times in conversation where we aren't going to want
to listen, where we have no interest in listening to the speaking of
another. Who wants to listen to someone who rambles, who seems to
enjoy hearing him/herself talk without purpose or intention? What if
we don't like a speaker, or aren't interested in the content
being addressed? What if we might want
to listen, but have no time, or are distracted by other priorities,
or are too tired or too hungry in the moment? These issues will be
addressed in other papers. The primary choice is to be conscious in
conversation, not necessarily to listen whenever another person
starts to speak. That consciousness will keep us off automatic, and
help us to choose whether or not we want to listen.
Next: Speaking
Go back to Two Basic People Skills
See also Conscious Conversation
