Who's got the 'red'?
Ed Lisbe
This
question answers the foundational "people skills" question,
"Whose turn is it to
speak or to listen?" 'Red' is a shorthand metaphor, as can be seen in the figure
below, for the phrase, "stronger emotion." If a team member is
convinced,
for instance, that one way will achieve a faster result, with less
downside than any other way, that is a strong emotion. The choice to
speak or to listen is determined solely by peoples' emotions, not
by anything else; not by their roles, gender, race, age, or content.
Where
the conversation takes place does not matter because strong feelings
can be present in a kitchen or in a corporate boardroom. Why
the conversation is taking place, or what
it is about also does not matter because emotions may or may not be
present regardless of logic. It's all and only about the emotions
(which can be positive or negative):
There
are only four possible answers to the question, "Who's
got the 'red'?"
It will be one person, the other person, both, or neither. Those
are the only possibilities. It breaks down the complexities of human
communication into common sense:
- If
you
have the 'red,' if you are trying to tell me something, it
almost always produces faster results for both of us if I listen
first.
- If
I have
the 'red,' if I need to accomplish a result, then I need to
speak.
- If
we both
have the 'red,' if we are disagreeing with strong emotion, then
I need to disengage from what would typically be called a conflict.
- If
neither of us has any 'red,' there is no great need for
particular skills. People can cut each other off, disagree, argue
ideas back and forth, and have a generally open and disruptive
discussion. There can be a great deal of positive, creative energy
in those kinds of exchanges. That can all be very positive -
unless 'red' shows up.
If
emotions are present, and if they are not recognized and addressed to
keep people from speaking on each other's turns, there is little
likelihood for a successful outcome. Conversations tend to
deteriorate with people left feeling angry, resentful, suspicious,
and misunderstood.
When
people want the same things as we want, agree with us, accept our
choices, and have no resistance to our decisions or requests, there
doesn't need to be much conscious skill use in our communication.
There isn't a lot of 'red' to be watching for. Things are
relatively easy. "Conscious Conversation" tends to be about the
more difficult conversations of life, at home and at work. To stay
conscious when we speak with each other, even during what could be
called the easier or more casual times, is also very helpful because
we miss a lot of opportunities for clarifying issues and for reaching
greater depth of understanding.
Next: Recognizing 'Red'
Back to Conscious Conversation Main Page
Ed Lisbe
This
question answers the foundational "people skills" question,
"Whose turn is it to
speak or to listen?" 'Red' is a shorthand metaphor, as can be seen in the figure
below, for the phrase, "stronger emotion." If a team member is
convinced,
for instance, that one way will achieve a faster result, with less
downside than any other way, that is a strong emotion. The choice to
speak or to listen is determined solely by peoples' emotions, not
by anything else; not by their roles, gender, race, age, or content.
Where
the conversation takes place does not matter because strong feelings
can be present in a kitchen or in a corporate boardroom. Why
the conversation is taking place, or what
it is about also does not matter because emotions may or may not be
present regardless of logic. It's all and only about the emotions
(which can be positive or negative):
There
are only four possible answers to the question, "Who's
got the 'red'?"
It will be one person, the other person, both, or neither. Those
are the only possibilities. It breaks down the complexities of human
communication into common sense:
- If
you
have the 'red,' if you are trying to tell me something, it
almost always produces faster results for both of us if I listen
first.
- If
I have
the 'red,' if I need to accomplish a result, then I need to
speak.
- If
we both
have the 'red,' if we are disagreeing with strong emotion, then
I need to disengage from what would typically be called a conflict.
- If
neither of us has any 'red,' there is no great need for
particular skills. People can cut each other off, disagree, argue
ideas back and forth, and have a generally open and disruptive
discussion. There can be a great deal of positive, creative energy
in those kinds of exchanges. That can all be very positive -
unless 'red' shows up.
If
emotions are present, and if they are not recognized and addressed to
keep people from speaking on each other's turns, there is little
likelihood for a successful outcome. Conversations tend to
deteriorate with people left feeling angry, resentful, suspicious,
and misunderstood.
When
people want the same things as we want, agree with us, accept our
choices, and have no resistance to our decisions or requests, there
doesn't need to be much conscious skill use in our communication.
There isn't a lot of 'red' to be watching for. Things are
relatively easy. "Conscious Conversation" tends to be about the
more difficult conversations of life, at home and at work. To stay
conscious when we speak with each other, even during what could be
called the easier or more casual times, is also very helpful because
we miss a lot of opportunities for clarifying issues and for reaching
greater depth of understanding.
Next: Recognizing 'Red'
Back to Conscious Conversation Main Page
