Whose turn is it to speak or to listen?
Ed Lisbe
Almost
all conflict in conversation comes from people speaking when they
should be listening. We all seem to want the microphone no matter
what the content or who initiates the exchange. Asking and answering
the question, "Whose
turn is it to speak or to listen?" and
then choosing the appropriate skill, might not stop all disagreement.
It will
stop the emotional escalation, the unpleasant, tense feelings
associated with not being understood, and unproductive time wasted in
argument. Here is a picture of the question:
The
only two possibilities in any
conversation are that there will be a speaker and a listener. That's
it. There is no simpler, or more basic starting point for effective
human interaction. Who speaks and who listens? Once the speaking and
listening turns are clear, all else will follow. Without that
necessary first step, like a house built on a weak foundation none of
the other work will matter.
There
are clear signals for determining which side of the equation to be on
at any point in a conversation. As long as we keep track of the
signals, we can stay in emotional control of any situation no matter
how strongly we might disagree with or dislike someone's content or
attitude.
Traffic
lights on the streets tell us when to stop and when to go. The same
is true in conversation. The signals are just as clear; we just
don't tend to be watching for them.
In
communication, the "red light," the signal to stop speaking if we
are on that side of the conversation, comes from what we see or hear
or feel in the behavior of the other person, the listener. The "green
light," the signal to stop listening if we are on the other side of
the equation, is just as clear. It is also determined by the
behavior of the other person, the speaker. In conversation, as on the
streets, when either signal is ignored, a "crash" is inevitable.
Many
people who get clear "red light" signals to stop speaking try to
alter the speaking turn -speaking louder, faster, or longer -
instead of shifting to a listening turn. This rarely works. One
manager, for example, was getting every "red light" signal
possible to stop talking to her employee. The employee crossed her
arms, shook her head from side to side, turned away, gave a deep sigh
meant to make a statement, raised her eyebrows and was smiling in
derision. The manager kept talking. Someone asked her if she
noticed the person's behavior. She said, "Yes,
I see it." The
questioner than asked, "Why
are you still talking to her?"
The manager, after a moment's thought, in exasperation said, "I
thought if I spoke louder she'd eventually hear me."
That
solution doesn't work very well with human beings. It's speak or
listen. That's what works. We have to stay conscious enough, to
watch for the lights. They are always there.
Next: Who's got the 'red' (stronger emotion)?
Back to Conscious Conversation Main Page
Ed Lisbe
Almost
all conflict in conversation comes from people speaking when they
should be listening. We all seem to want the microphone no matter
what the content or who initiates the exchange. Asking and answering
the question, "Whose
turn is it to speak or to listen?" and
then choosing the appropriate skill, might not stop all disagreement.
It will
stop the emotional escalation, the unpleasant, tense feelings
associated with not being understood, and unproductive time wasted in
argument. Here is a picture of the question:
The
only two possibilities in any
conversation are that there will be a speaker and a listener. That's
it. There is no simpler, or more basic starting point for effective
human interaction. Who speaks and who listens? Once the speaking and
listening turns are clear, all else will follow. Without that
necessary first step, like a house built on a weak foundation none of
the other work will matter.
There
are clear signals for determining which side of the equation to be on
at any point in a conversation. As long as we keep track of the
signals, we can stay in emotional control of any situation no matter
how strongly we might disagree with or dislike someone's content or
attitude.
Traffic
lights on the streets tell us when to stop and when to go. The same
is true in conversation. The signals are just as clear; we just
don't tend to be watching for them.
In
communication, the "red light," the signal to stop speaking if we
are on that side of the conversation, comes from what we see or hear
or feel in the behavior of the other person, the listener. The "green
light," the signal to stop listening if we are on the other side of
the equation, is just as clear. It is also determined by the
behavior of the other person, the speaker. In conversation, as on the
streets, when either signal is ignored, a "crash" is inevitable.
Many
people who get clear "red light" signals to stop speaking try to
alter the speaking turn -speaking louder, faster, or longer -
instead of shifting to a listening turn. This rarely works. One
manager, for example, was getting every "red light" signal
possible to stop talking to her employee. The employee crossed her
arms, shook her head from side to side, turned away, gave a deep sigh
meant to make a statement, raised her eyebrows and was smiling in
derision. The manager kept talking. Someone asked her if she
noticed the person's behavior. She said, "Yes,
I see it." The
questioner than asked, "Why
are you still talking to her?"
The manager, after a moment's thought, in exasperation said, "I
thought if I spoke louder she'd eventually hear me."
That
solution doesn't work very well with human beings. It's speak or
listen. That's what works. We have to stay conscious enough, to
watch for the lights. They are always there.
Next: Who's got the 'red' (stronger emotion)?
Back to Conscious Conversation Main Page
